Further Observations of Humans

Further Obsevations of Humans

During 236th century, during the year of the great birthing I returned to the human infestation of Seagate to continue my studies of this creature. Overcoming my perenial suprise that the infestation had not been scoured by undead, fire, irate godlings or my erstwhile kinsmen I went to the Adventurer's Guild for an expenses paid tour to one of these barbarous societies.

I cannot recomend the Adventurer's Guild more as a organisation to join. No matter where your studies take you the advantage of being protected by some of the most well-armed thugs in the multi-verse is beyond compare.

In previous encounters I have had the misfortune to associate with all types of monsters, mutants, guilde-beastes, foul abominations and Lizettes. This time I was merely exposed to products of human breeding taken to ridiculous extremes.

My companions

Tari - A high-elf, salic nobility if I'm any guess. Out on her Great Sneer to gain some power and make a name of herself. Not that I'm against the gaining of power and all that. An earth mage, probably of the gutting people like clams and dancing in their entrails variety. Not that I have anything against that either but blood is very hard to wash out and the krff snorting set don't do well when mussed.

Aposta Perdido - The humans say it is their 9th century, or 21st or some damn thing. Anyway the important bit is most of them have mastered fire, wheels, domesticated other animals and don't go round butt-naked anymore. Then you meet someone like Aposta, who seems to of missed out on the technological achievements of his species. Or it could be some sad devotion to some religion or another he's caught. Philosophers have often asked is man (meaning the humans) an ape or an angel? Aposta seems determined to plug for the former answer.

Mario - A lean wiry human who has an infection on his face which he claims his part of his body. As bizarre and disgusting as that sounds he seems to train it. Claims human females are attracted to it, this is likely to be true. Evidence suggests that male and female humans are attracted to the bizzare, bloated and deformed bodies of each other so it could be true. Possiably bisexual and a mind-mage. Not that I have anything against unatural perversions of body and soul, His prelidiction for either gender is also a little odd.

Vapour - A human, is a robust form. That is to say it's skeletal and muscular structures are large, some would say comically so. Even so some take it to extremes. On Vapour each hideously distorted muscle is bloated almost beyond recognition. It could be that he is an escapee from Elvandarian breeding stock. If so, I wish him well and that the bastards never catch him. An air mage, Vapour displays all the wit and acumen members of this college are famed for.

Valery - A black mage who wields a glaive. A little odd as most black mages are seriously enfeebled as a result of trading physical prowess for demonic powers. That this one can and does wield such a huge weapon may actually make me believe this specious claim of them not following the fallen ones. Or it could be just a demonic gift granted by her masters, which is more likely, if odd of them.

To where everyone speaks even sillier than normal

We are hired to investigate strange goings on at the Sartoris Vineyards. A vineyard is of course a coven of necromancers, concerned as they are with the rotting of formerly living matter. Weasel words such as 'fermentation','brewing','curing','curding' and so on may be used but is putrification and therefore necromancy. That being so vitners are some of the wealthier necromancers about.

The Sartoris Vineyards lie in the heart of Borderlay, an infestation noted for it's attempts at acting civilised and cultured. If these fools only knew the real reasons for 'culture' and 'civilisation' they'ld strip off their clothes, head for the trees and never light a fire again. Wish I could.

We are transported close by the 'Living Saint' 'Isil Eth'. Said to be touched by the Gods she is. Touched upside the head far too many times in my opinion.

We purchase horses so that the humans are not our most awkard, cantankerous, smelly and stupid members of the party and head inland towards the heart of darkness.

The Horrors of Human Habitations

Travel broadens the mind, or so they say. I wish this effect wasn't so akin to a maul to the temples. Our first stop is a tavern filled with dwarves and so the humans engage in one of the classic blunders. No, not starting a land war in Tera Nova but attempting to out-drink dwarves is up there.

One the second day we come across a small infestation attempting to end winter by dancing, chanting and burning alive A STRAW DUMMY! They say it's symbolic, I say it's idiotic. Rituals such as building a giant bonfire, dancing about it and chanting will attract the attentions of a very dangerous being, and he is not a vegetarian! The straw man argument just doesn't work in reality.

Later that day we met some starving wretches so crazed with hunger as to attack a well armed band of horsemen. In these circumstances only starving young will drive animals to such measures, but we ignore their existence and so they'll starve and freeze alone and unregarded, a very dangerous thing indeed.

The town we get to at night is also engaged in similar god-annoying folly.Dancing, check. Big Fire, check. Magic circle, check. Correct sacrifice (hint not a mannequin), no. Thaumturgic circle to contain an irate avatar should one pissed off avatar appear? No either. What are the humans planning to do should the Lord of Summer appear? My bet is on running round screaming while their town is reduced to ashes. One can only hope that such an inept performance falls below the gods' notice.

Run from D's and kill all the w's

We continue on from infestation to teeming infestation. The next day we hear the baying of wolves. I've heard that wolves are noble creatures with dignity and a secret language of their own. In my experience they're nasty, feral bastards who'll do you in an eye-blink. Anyways the baying of these wolves was not the usual equivqalent of "Hello", "Hello", "Hello", "Hello", "Hello" ad nauseum but the more nuanced "Grubs up, get it while it's wriggling!". We charge in. Turns out the wolves are wargs. Wargs are those massive wolves orcs breed to ride into battle in the deluded notion that carnivores are nastier than herbivores. Worgs also are nasty and devious enough to be able to do magic which one was. We leave Valerie to dispatch that and then get down to the tedious business of removing the fell thing's death curse. Turns out there's a Summoner in these woods conjuring up all sorts of nastiness. Most of the time you shouldn't take time off adventuring to deal with every 2-bit Sith impersonator but with Summoners you really should take the time to cut of/out the fingers, hands, feet, arms, legs, nose, ears, head and willy for the first offence. Burning for second offence and rendering down to primal components for the thid if you're interested. The local human and it's brood thank us for saving them until Valerie decides to cast Annoy Dragon. Most recovering Black Mages know this spell but prefer not to use it due to it's complete lack of practical applications. Valerie claims she was trying to attract a demonic familiar. It (the dragon) tells us to go get some stuff for us, which we do.It then gives us a spy demon which takes the form of a ferret or weasel At the next infestation we impress the yokels with our deeds and they invite us to the local wolf hunt. It's so quaint when they ape sensible elven practices. Humans should have their leaders and magical types culled before they grow too numerous, start to worship the deamons and making a fuss. More I see of humans convinces me the Highborn can get off their soused butts and scour them back to the stone age. As to the battle with the wolves they thought I should actively participate. Bad idea, I typically end up on a mound of bodies covered in other beings entrails. Today was no different. This impressed the humans no end, which made me think we should also bring back the terror lizards.

When in doubt, dig for ancient evil

At last we reach our employers and it's actually a rather pleasant place for a den of necromancers. It's a sad comment on a species that thinks you get civilised by behaving nice and getting 'marks' for having silver service while at the same time having no clue what it really means. Of course, your average kyrff-head doesn't remember either so maybe I can cut the monkeys soem slack. Anyways it's a passable dump, humans at their least inept and all that.

The junior necromancers have been going missing in the cellars. The cellars are a hollowed out natural system of caves. Upon inquiring further we learn that no, they don't know the full extent of the cellars and that a wizard put a magic seal on it sometime ago. Their minions were attacked by necromantic type magics which just goes to show that even the ancient evils have a fine sense of irony.

Oh yes, ancient evils. The Dragonspines contain numerous hollows and hideaways where ancient horrors hid from the elves long ago. Seems humans and dwarves have an irritating habit of digging them up which suggests to me that my vengeful ancestors could of engaged a smigeon of brain and used these handy creatures to ferret them out then and there. Admitted, humans were still at the stick poking, poo flinging stage of their development but the dwarves were definitely up to snuff.

Over the next few days we explore the cellars exterminating the giant bugs, oversized spiders, intelligent animals and other freaks of nature that are drawn to the ancient evil like moths to a flame. The humans treat this with a kind of stoic bravery which only goes to show that ignorance has it's benefits.

Gods damned dodery relatives

We reach the ancient evil. They turn out to be Varanyami. While possiably not in the same league as bubbling horrors, lich kings or Amway they're pretty dire. As they speak I am constantly reminded of just how well everyone was getting on. While not evil, Varanyami are officious, moralistic, prodnoses overly concerned with their own self-importance. We shuffle them off towards the kryf snorters as fast as possible.

To say the danger of these idiots is severe is a bit of an understatement. I'ld of preferred the bubbling horrors, you know where you stand with them. Varanyami were wierd, isolationist freaks out of touch with the larger world when last they flew the skies. I think they're in for a big shock and I wish them all the worst when they go off to get some 'labour herds'. The monkeys can fling more than poo these days.

It's a demon scorned, most females don't know Greater Curse

While lounging about, Valerie hears of a demonic being in the shape of a rabbit drinking the blood of the local cattle. Convincing us that this is a bad thing we head off to get it. As we explore the frozen, avalanch friendly wastes we learn that Valerie had a choice of two demonic familiars and that the vampiric bunny is the scorned one. It has cursed Valerie well and good by the time honoured method of appealing to a demon lord and killing a large number of people. It springs what it thinks is a cunning trap by having it's minions trap us in a cave. Idiot. Cornered beings fight so much more savagely than when they have somewhere to run. The proper method is to chase your foe until they drop dead of exhaustion, fear and wounds. If they are forced to turn and fight they could very easily do for you.